they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
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I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.