They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
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it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute