They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
me when the borders lift
That was easy.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow