Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms