Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car