they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
new shirt idea
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head