Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Cake safety first. Always.

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street