they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
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Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Taliband
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar