They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
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Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
🧠
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.