They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed