They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
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If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.