Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

How software testing works

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone