Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…