They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
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I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
step 6: release the wall snake
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert