They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Can. I. Help. You.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
This is a sub tweet
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
