They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
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Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I gave up going to work for lent.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Me when my alarm goes off
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
life lately
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Ion see the issue
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…