Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.