They should make a moral fiber supplement
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*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
You sure about that?
