They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
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glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.