They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
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My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Everything reminds me of my ex
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like