They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
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Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve