They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
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Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!