they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
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Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
pelicons
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
When ur friends with white people
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face