Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

Optional boss fight.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

everyone has that one prude friend

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids