they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
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My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Not even remotely sorry.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.