They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
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Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
goldfish mafia
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.