Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.