Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Not recommended for beginners.