They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
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Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
This is the one
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO