They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people