They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
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I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!