They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
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Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I would like even faster food.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.