they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
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yeah nice try. not falling for that again
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
scenes of unspeakable carnage
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
#Caturday
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.