they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.