Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

The game has officially changed 😎

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Best mom ever 😂

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at