Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

:/

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.