Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

I hate my earbuds.

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Voting for coroner

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb