They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

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Doctor: it’s important to incorporate purple foods into your diet.

Me: *eats purple cupcakes*


Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.


Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.


Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.


First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.


Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.


Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face


The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.


I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.


Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.