They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*