They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
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Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.