Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib