They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
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Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.