They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
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can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
this is literally a CIA plant
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White