Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

My hips? Compulsive liars.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff