Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT