Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.