They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas