Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bears

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

be careful

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?