They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

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me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive


[first day as an anesthesiologist]

me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery


patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep


I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head


It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*


Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.


Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.


G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas


Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.


I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.