They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Breaking news:
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.