They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere