they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
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Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.