they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
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Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.