they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
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Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.