they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Wednesday
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.