they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
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Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
be safe out there!
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.