They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
