They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
what the hell girl, sure
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about