They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
You Might Also Like
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again