Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Green is just blue that someone peed in

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

Best misinterpreted text ever!

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.