Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

When I snag the last meatball.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.