They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
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*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
relationship goals
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Seas the day!!!!
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I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*