They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”