They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.