Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.