They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
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Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Ape together strong
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck