They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
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Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”