Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.