They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
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In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.