They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“No way.” -Jose
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them