Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

How do you milk an almond?

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.