they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
